I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Help me help you realize you are a moron
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
