im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
