I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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