My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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