I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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