sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
