i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
