i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
