last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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