i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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