I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
