DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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