my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
