Nicole vs. Life
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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