I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
