My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
