So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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