i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
