I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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