Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
