Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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