sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Randomize
