i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
