Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
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I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
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I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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