My liver just broke up with me...
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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