He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
