You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
