Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
