i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
