3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
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I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
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So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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