how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
