mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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