We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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