Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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