That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
