oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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