Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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