I am spending my child support on dildos
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
