Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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