he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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