no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
