I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
