Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
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