you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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