tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
