A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
