hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
