I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
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