just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
