Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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