JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I just gargled with NyQuil
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
