FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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