Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
