What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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