I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
