In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you đ
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes âI drove you last nightâ\nâYou got your dick sucked in the back seatâ
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. Theyâre too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and heâll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
