My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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