she peed on how many people?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
