ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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