I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Buhtt sex?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
